It’s been a long, difficult week. I have been absorbed with me.
Absorbed with how I look, feel, dress.
Obsessed with what I want, desire and see.
In my heart the Holy Spirit was speaking to me. “Stop serving yourself, Frannie. Live for the Lord in every moment, this is the path to contentment and rest.”
Instead of listening to that still, soft voice I stuffed my heart with material, tangible self-pleasing things. I ate a little more, worshiped myself a little more, and focused on me a little more. As we all know living for oneself is miserable. I’ve been discontented, restless, easily hurt and irritated, frustrated and lazy. Scripture reading was nipped in the bud, prayer stalled and love quenched.
Do you ever struggle with this? Does your earthly, old-nature ever make a comeback so strong you feel as lost, pagan and lonely as when you were originally? Before Christ?
We’ve had some difficulties that nearly knocked my socks off including a death in the family; later in the week we hear about another who is struggling with the bitterest of life’s struggles.
And I just can’t do it.
I cannot make myself happy when life gets so hard. I cannot be self-sufficient spiritually — I am drained. I am drained because I walked away from the fountain of living waters to drink from my own mediocre pond. Only after did I begin to feel the effects. I remembered that I cannot satisfy soul.
Turn me again, O God, and cause Your face to shine; and I will be saved.
Hear me LORD in the day of trouble; the God of Jacob defend me; Send me help from Your sanctuary and strengthen me out of Zion. I trusted in chariots and I trusted in horses, but now I will remember the name of the LORD my God. Save, LORD; let the King hear me when I call.
Psalms 20 and 80
These are the verses I am crying out right now — verses I am praying personally because I know that the God of Zion does hear His people, even when they get distracted with their own selfishness.
I know that this post is a lot — a lot of ugly, self-centered bits you don’t see very often. But I believe in authenticity, being real and being honest. I also believe in virtue, the God given power to live life holy. Sometimes, I take my eyes off the One Who is my righteousness and focus on myself too much. And then life knocks me over and my Heavenly Father reminds me to build my life and worth on something more solid then my own abilities — Him.
So, here’s to directing my eyes to Him, choosing to serve Him over myself and enjoying the peace that obedience brings. Here’s to loving others more than myself and helping them through the hard times.
With so much love and coffee,