Edit: Almost one year later and I’m resharing this post because I’ve met so many couples who can relate! Since I wrote this I’ve grown in so much peace, contentment and joy. Baby blues are a real thing and some days it is hard wondering if we’ll ever be parents; however, there are so many more moments where I am filled with overflowing joy. I know everything is in God’s hands and He is SO good! Blessings! 12/4/2015
But, regardless of the circumstances, it has been hard.
And I want to talk about it because I think it will help.
This past week I had been hope-filled and dreamy-eyed. I thought I was pregnant. Nearly every classic symptom of pregnancy appeared to be taking its course so, with a hop and a skip and a merry heart, I bought two pregnancy tests.
The boxes tell you not to read the test after ten minutes but my sister, who has a beautiful 5 month bouncing, baby boy, read a positive only after the set time limit. So I assumed it was okay. Ten minutes after the timeline, a faint positive became visible in the tiny, plastic circle and with the visibility my heart leapt. I had thought I was pregnant at 3 different times within our short marriage so I was used to disappointment. But this time was different. I had a teeny-tiny-faint positive.
And my heart secretly soared.
I waited till the end of the week to try the second test. Like the first, it came out negative; in an effort to move on from my sadness I busied myself with prayer and tidying our house. Twenty minutes later I returned to find that a huge, big blue positive line had appeared. I began to plan how I was going to tell my husband the special news and began to put baby names together.
And then the bleeding began. I told myself it was simply the implantation phase; the natural process of the fertilized egg nestling into its new home. Natural. Good. Expected.
After waking up to the beginning of a normal period, I spoiled the surprise, nervously dressed, held hands with my steady man while picking out three tests and headed home.
I felt so stupid. How could I convince myself that I was pregnant after two originally negative tests and traditional pms symptoms? How could I be crying over my naivety? How could God have let me believe that I was pregnant? With the sweetness and goodness of a true man, Dalton held me, encouraged me, blessed me, and reminded me that birth is in God’s capable, good hands. Of course, I knew that; I had faith in God and His timing.
But then I realized something very important.
Faith isn’t faith unless it can withstand the valleys, mountains, and struggles.
Remember the Israelites and their journey through the desert? Very few of their company could be called men of faith; men of faith journeyed knowing that they would get to the Promised Land even when the food bags were sagging with emptiness and the last watering holes were three days backwards. Men of faith knew that the God Who had parted the sea would also keep His word. Men of faith didn’t lose heart. And today, this very faith in God is demanded of us.
“Take heed, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief, in departing from the living God. But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. For we are made partakers of Christ, if we hold the beginning of our confidence stedfast unto the end; ” Hebrews 3
Doubt is a very natural response to life’s struggles and I am thankful to know that even our Lord Jesus was tempted with it and understands us. There is no condemnation in struggling with unbelief; but, for me, I wasn’t doubting God’s ability or timing in giving us a baby. I was doubting His goodness and His love. My inner man cried out saying, “Why, when I am living a life following Him would He deny me my heart’s desire?” And that is where I want to encourage you, sweet one, if you are in the same boat.
Remember that God is good. O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him — words the psalmist wrote long ago still ring true today. God is good even when life has disappointments and the way is long and the road full of pot-holes and steep ditches. He is good even when your pregnancy tests say positive but the science says negative and He is good even though your week-long dream becomes another example of your vivid imagination.
So yes, it has been a long journey.
A long, marvelous, God-filled journey.
And I am okay … at least I will be.
I don’t mean for this to be a sad tale or turn into a pity party; there are so many sisters in Christ who are struggling with this issue (and in much more painful ways). I also don’t want to be accused of being foolish for not visiting a doctor. Like I said before, I am healthy and well and at this time I am more than okay with letting time take its course. I may change my mind but for now I am happy and content with that.
I just want to be able to talk about it and not feel silly. Because this pain I feel? It’s real. And it affects both Dalton and I.
More than anything, I want it to be a growing experience. I want to walk away from these difficulties and be able to say that my faith grew, my heart expanded, and my love multiplied.
With love, blessings, and coffee,
Sometimes learning to talk out your feelings can be embarrassing and really, really hard. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband ready to encourage my heart and dry my eyes, family who love no matter what, and friends like you … who bring authentic sunshine into my life. 🙂 Blessings to you!