I haven’t got a lot to share lately, some days I feel like a washed up conch shell in the Caribbean, dry and bleached from the sun.
We’re having good days. Uriah is growing well. Yesterday, he tried to turn his head back and forth during tummy time; the only thing holding him up was the trach tube. He’s such a darling boy. And Dalton and I are well — it’s a hard thing being separated every week with hours between us. But we find ways to bond and eagerly await being home together soon.
There’s a lot of feelings that happen when your life is turned upside down. For me, I’ve definitely become more acquainted with fear, anxiety, and anger from being in the NICU. There’s just something about not being in control of your child’s well-being that knocks the saint right out of you.
And guess what, that’s exactly what I needed.
“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why are thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance. O my God, my soul is cast down within me; therefore I will remember Thee from the land of Jordan … the LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.” Psalm 42:5,6,8
Every once in a while I catch the blues; you know, the Eeyore-like tendency to see the world colored in grey, fearful, and unhappy? And don’t worry, I sometimes felt this way before my time in the hospital.
It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord, and to sing praises unto thy name, O Most High: To shew forth thy lovingkindness in the morning, and thy faithfulness every night, Upon an instrument of ten strings, and upon the psaltery; upon the harp with a solemn sound. For thou, Lord, hast made me glad through thy work: I will triumph in the works of thy hands. O Lord, how great are thy works! and thy thoughts are very deep. Psalms 92:1-5 KJV
Yesterday, I read part of these verses out loud to my messy, cluttered living room, steaming coffee cup, and our unborn, 18 week old baby. (Becuase he/she can hear me now.) 🙂
Every once in a while I discover the glories of the little things. Right now, for instance, I’m enjoying morning sunlight spilling from the little, shuttered windows in our living room with a warm cup of goodness.
The bushes outside the window are wavering in the wind and dinner is already planned. Tonight Dalton will come home full of smiles and kisses and questions about my day, dinner, and baby.