Once dressed I look at my schedule. Hmm . . . it reads, “Quiet Time.” A quick battle arises in my mind: I’m already behind and don’t really feel like spending time with God. Not after the bad attitude I had yesterday. So instead I begin my chores–I love working around the house. But why do I feel so unhappy and restless today? Maybe it’s because of the hazy, white sky outside; I’ll just turn more lights on and some music. That feels better . . . for a little bit. Lunch time rolls around but I’m not hungry. Let’s hope my loss of appetite isn’t due to my unruly snacking. I plod about my day riding a roller coaster; some moments I’m up and other moments I’m down. Even Daddy realizes I’m missing my usual joy; I tell him it’s just because of my cold.
I am a born-again daughter of the King of Kings; a sinner saved by His grace given an amazing inheritance. But there’s one problem: my self life is reigning. It’s a bit embarrassing to write something so personal. I’m the Christian girl who loves to be an example; I’m the young woman who has hopes and dreams of marriage and a home of her own . . . the one who thinks she’s ready for a dream like that.
And yet, it’s moments like this–moments when I am fully aware that I am living for self–that I realize I have a lot of work to do.
A life of self seems to satisfy for the moment but oh the havoc it ends in. When I “let loose” my thought life and my eating habits, when I waste my time in foolish pursuit (and movies), when I begin to slack in my devotion time, when I feed my flesh and all its whims, I begin to lose. Lose my life. My joy. My peace. My quick conscience. My contentment. My vision. My close relationship with Jesus.
I am so thankful that “if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I am fully aware that it is not my good works that save me but at the same token I know “that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness.” I hope to learn from what the Holy Spirit graciously revealed to me, repent, and with a teachable spirit move on in Christ.
Written with love,