How God (Totally) Changed My View: Part 2

 

(Aren’t my nephews as cute as pie and just as eatable?)
I’m a woman of many contradictions.

One of the most difficult contradictions I have experienced is my great desire for (and also fear of) having children.

When we didn’t get pregnant within the first six months of our marriage I panicked. “What if we cannot conceive?” “What if I am never able to give my dear husband a baby of his own?” (Dalton loves children! 🙂

Then there were moments when I thought we could be pregnant; when all the signs and symptoms told me to invest in a test and begin planning. I panicked during those moments too. “What if I’m not a good mom?” “What if I’m not ready?” “What if I like my life too much as it is?”

I was ashamed of my feelings. I wanted to be pregnant yet when the possibility was there I was terrorized. Thankfully, the Lord has worked (and continues to work) miracles in my heart. He has also given me grace to learn why I was afraid. Below, I have written three reason for my hesitancy towards having children; maybe one of you can relate?

I was afraid of being pregnant because I had never taken the time to decide if I really wanted children. Children are blessings, gifts from our Heavenly Father, and they should be desired and thanked for! But as a Christian, conservative woman I had allowed myself to believe that having children was the godly thing to do — mere duty instead of privilege. I had allowed my false belief to taint the way I viewed children; if babies are merely expected jobs then joy is lost. It was only after I was married and faced with the possibility of pregnancy that I began to see that I did in fact want children. I wanted them not because it was expected or the godly thing to do … I wanted them because they were true blessings!

I was afraid because I was selfish. When I find more happiness in controlling an environment than enjoying/blessing the people within the environment I am being selfish. When I let myself get angry over a messy room and forget that these little people are people I am being selfish. When I love my life more than having someone new to share my life with I am being selfish. I was afraid of having children because children are a big commitment! 😀 I had to come face to face with my selfishness and call it for what it was … sin.

Finally, I was afraid because I was uninformed. This was really important for me to realize. I was afraid because I was afraid! 🙂 For some reason, I knew nothing about birth (and watching one show of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” on TLC did not help the matter … talk about freaky!). I was afraid of the pain, the weight gain and the body changes which often accompany pregnancy. I was afraid of the natural (and beautiful) process of birth. I was afraid of pregnancy because I was uneducated.

Since then, I’ve been reading about childbirth, natural labor and all that is involved. I was blessed to be apart of my sister’s delivery. As I learned, the fear and anxiety magically began to drift away. I am still learning and so thankful to know that God will keep working in my life! 🙂

Have you ever struggled with the thought of having children? Or maybe you are one of those strangely awesome ladies who have that part of life all figured out? No matter who you are, do leave your comments. I’d love to learn from you!

With love, coffee and sunshine,
Frannie
// p.s. check out this link for the final post in the baby love series! //

7 thoughts on “
How God (Totally) Changed My View: Part 2

  1. Oh boy, I can relate big time! I am getting married this summer, but I was terrified of having children up until a few months ago. My mom is actually a midwife so I've known about natural childbirth all my life, but when I worked for my aunt and uncle as a nanny for my cousins over a year ago, my cousins' awful behavior and lack of respect and discipline made me swear off having kids, Lol. Needless to say, I didn't last too long at that job!

    However, around 6 months ago I began working at a private school with very well behaved and disciplined children, and I began to realize: I don't hate kids! I just can't work with undisciplined, poorly behaved children. Plus, with knowing and understanding how well children grow in a Godly, disciplined, and loving atmosphere, I am confident that my children will never be so terrible.

    Cheers to fertility and babies! Haha

    1. Oh, Ginger … girl, I can totally relate!

      Your comment has me laughing … I so understand. I think most of my awkwardness with children has resulted from watching too many naughty ones. Also, I have noticed how much more enjoyable well behaved children are … it's like night and day! Ha!

      Echoing your cheers!!!

      p.s. I didn't know about your upcoming marriage … super exciting! I need to catch up with your blog!!

      Love and blessings, lady!

  2. Frannie, I totally can relate to you with this. I'm pretty sure I want kids, but it still freaks me out to think about having kids. Mainly because I don't know how to raise a kid! Robert wants munchkins too, he's so wonderful with them, and so we hope to one day. I often think about having kids then get to freaked out about it. haha. I just don't want to be a bad parent and think I will be! May God help us both to realize his perfect plan and wait for his timing. (You are gonna have super cute kiddos!) Love you!

    1. Oh, Emma! I love you!

      And you are so silly … you'll be an excellent mommy! 🙂 You have a sweet, fun heart and you reach out to bless.

      But, I have to say, I love being able to relate with you on this! It can be/has been very scary when thinking abut having children. :G What if I raise annoying, naughty brats!? Agh!!

      Hahaha, but, I think now is a good time to remember that even the bratty ones are worth gold and all the love in the world … so I needn't stress my perfectionist-self out way before time. My worth will not be based on their good behavior and their value will not be diminished by their bad days. 🙂

      Will your kiddies have brown hair or red? I hope they are curly!!

      Lots of love to you!!!

  3. If this is a double post, sorry, my reply just didn't appear.
    anyways…
    Frannie, I love you too! You are a bright refreshing flower in my life. So glad to have become friends!

    I totally agree with you! I feared I was the only one that was freaking out about having brats! Glad we have each other! 😉

    And yes, I am hoping that it's different with my kiddos…we'll make them perfect. haha.
    I am crossing my fingers for a curly ginger with brown eyes…Robert will be wrapped around their finger. Amd twins (boy and girl). I think that would be awesome as I've always wanted twins for some reason!

    1. "We'll make them perfect" … oh, yes! Yes, we shall! 😉

      I love your description of Rob being wrapped around your little one's fingers. That will be Dalton as well.

      And as for your love of twins … I have always hoped for twins of my own! Preferably to start off with!! We already have baby girl names picked out … oh, they are lovely!! Fingers crossed!!

      Hahahaha!

      // p.s. //

      Sorry, if the commenting system threw away your first comment. I'm trying to find something less mean and apt to throw away friend's thoughts! 😀

    2. Frannie, we are so similar!!! It's a blessing to not be alone in what I think is crazy! 😉

      Yeah, I could see Dalton being wrapped around his munchkin's fingers, he seems to love kids and you write that he does. 🙂

      NO WAY!!!!!haha I can't remember the last time I knew someone who wanted twins! That's exciting! We have two girls' names and a boy's name picked out as well and I already love them!

      Why thank you for letting me know you do through your friends' thoughts away. However, you just revealed that it's not "Technology problems" anymore. ;D

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