How do you share the changes brooding within you when you yourself can barely wrap your mind around it?
I am not the same person I thought I was nor am I the person I thought I was going to be.
You see, it all began with marriage. It wasn’t supposed to be–I mean, I never planned for it (though I desperately longed for it during those early-twentyish years of life). As a young girl I aggravated my tiny, princess-like girlfriends to death whenever they asked me about my dream prince. “Oh, I’m not going to marry,” I would quickly reply. “I’m going to be a missionary and never get married … being married is gross!”
(I think that came from my shy, easily-embarrassed nature and the way my mom always had us cover our eyes during movie kissing scenes … so, since kissing is gross and you have to kiss when your married marriage has got to be gross!)
Later, I somehow managed to believe that marriage was a calling for the spiritually weak, those who couldn’t handle fully living for God. (Can you say wow-was-she-ever-a-prideful-and-sorely-bigheaded-thing five times fast? 🙂 This idea mainly grew from an insecurity buried deep within my girlish heart–I just knew nobody would want me. And rejection hurts. In defense I battered my hopes and dreams with a good dose of hypocritical spiritualism–no men interested in me? Why, that must mean God has something really big and really important for me.
Fast forward four years.
I got married. Married to a quirky, funny, amazing man of God. A man who loves the Lord, who dreams of traveling the world, of doing some sort of good for his fellow man, and who loves extravagantly. A man I wouldn’t want to trade for the world.
But it hasn’t always been a cake walk. My feelings of being called to something more “spiritual” than marriage bred ideas which I am now desperately trying to root out of my funny little head. Thoughts and questions around the lines of motherhood is a lowly job or submission is *so* old fashioned–who does he think he is anyway?, to what do I do with myself now?
During the early, joyous days of our marriage I battled years of wrong thinking. Who am I? What am I to do? What shall I be? Is marriage going to be enough? Will I ever accomplish anything important? My pride asked questions too–things like, Do you really want to live for somebody else? Did God really say that wives are to submit to their husbands? Do you really want to love and serve and sacrifice for children?
As I poured my confused heart out I was astonished to find such patience and care in the Lord and in my husband. Such love reminded me of how God is the author (and approver) of marriage and that He is the Giver of every good and perfect gift (marriage … and my *awesome* husband!). I was instructed on the importance and joy of raising children and encouraged to find my worth in who Christ says I am and not in who I think I am. I was reproved for the selfish attitude I had toward children and excited when I realized that God leads exactly where He wants.
So, who am I exactly?
I am Francesca. Daughter of the King of kings. Wife of a gentle and good man. Keeper of the home. Sister. Friend. Aunt. Child. A hopeful, want-to-be-a-momma gal.
What do I do? I love. I dream. I attend college. I drink coffee. I sweep floors and fold socks. I make friends. I blog. I laugh. I create.
And that, my dear friends, is good enough for me.
Because where He leads is full of green pastures, still waters, and Him.
Loving and rejoicing in the exact place I’ve been put,
p.s. Bailey over at My Holy Joy kind of inspired this post. You wouldn’t believe how often she writes exactly what I’ve been dwelling on … anways, why don’cha march over there and check her site out. I always find something amazing to think on. 🙂