I wrote this on a rainy Sunday afternoon when my heart was overflowing with so many things. Some of the things were good like hope, expectation, good music and eyes lifted to the Lord. Other things were bad and revolved around fear, fear, fear and more fear.
I’ve always been open on this blog. Being authentic is part of being a piece of the body of Christ. I learn when I’m open and we all grow when we walk through life’s waves together. So I wrote this knowing I was in a safe place and that you’d let this new mommy share her concerns — it’s a safe place for all of us.
I’m six glorious weeks and six days deep into pregnancy. I’ve experienced mood swings, tender body parts, brief moments of nausea, and spotting.
Which is why I’ve been scared. I’ve read and reread articles which say spotting within the first trimester is nothing to be overly concerned with. I’ve been told it’s normal. But when you waited two plus years to conceive spotting seems to be a momentous occasion where I’m tempted to be afraid.
The day I wrote this I googled the line, “Verses for when you feel you have no faith.” I didn’t find anything worth reading. I felt like crying all over again but felt God calling me to open His Word. Phrases came pouring out from David’s heart.
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;” Psalms 46:1,2
Though I am spotting and my mind runs to worst case scenarios and I want to cry myself into the fetal position … God is my refuge, a very present help in trouble.
“Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy loving-kindness: according to the multitude of thy tender mercies …” Psalms 51:1
Even though I felt like I’m drowning in fear and know it’s no way for a Christian to behave … have mercy on me, Jesus, according to your loving-kindness and tender mercies.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from Thy presence; and take not Thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of my salvation and uphold me with Thy free spirit.” Psalms 51:9-12
Oh, Lord, my heart has been full of dark things when it should be trusting and rejoicing in you. Instead of living in your love and freedom I’m afraid of losing something precious to me. Create in me a clean heart and renew my spirit so I can have joy in my salvation again. Thank You that no matter what life sends our way we have a guarantee that Your Holy Spirit and Loving Person will never leave us.
These are the verses I needed two days ago because these verses apply to real life for the 2016, twenty-six year-old, first time mommies who wonder at every spot and cramp.
Life is scary whether you’re a young wife waiting to conceive, going through cancer treatments, dealing with a church split, facing a loved one’s passing, or trying to decide which major to pursue.
Life is scary but we have a real God and a loving, interceding Jesus Who walk us through these things.
Thank you for letting me be so open about my life. I love this blog and the community of women we’ve grown to be. I love that I can share my fears of being a first time mommy who is spotting while being crazy in love with Baby Duncan and privileged to be almost 7 weeks in.
It’s a glorious time that we’re eating up — and I’m over-the-moon excited for our first appointment this week to see what all this spotting is about (and hopefully hear baby’s heartbeat).
p.s. the spotting has gotten much better which is also something I’m over-the-moon about.
And while I wait, I want learn to be okay with the unknowns and enjoy fully the gift God has given me.
With love, blessings and coffee,
Pregnancy Update 6/26/16: In case you’ve missed out here is the post of when I was told I had miscarried Baby Duncan at 8 weeks and the post where we discovered the miscarriage was misdiagnosed at 9 weeks. Now, at 12 weeks, we’re waiting on the Lord while we pray for my subchorionic hematoma to heal and all the joy and fear that comes with that.
I thought these links may be helpful. <3 Love to you, reader!